Guest Blog by El Oso

Overtime it seems many people have forgotten the most important ingredient to a good gaming experience - the good game.
And by good game I don't mean shader effects, high polygon counts, compelling story lines or any of the other irrelevant nonsense that I don't give a submarining fuck about. I mean the actual game play. The part where you control stuff have it interact with other stuff and your brain generates fun. If i wanted a compelling story, I'd read a book. There are only a few million already in existence, the majority of which are written by people whose talents compare to the best video game writer's the same way Kobe Bryant's penis might compare to that of an poorly endowed tit mouse. If 90 minutes of cut scenes dubed with pornography grade voice acting sounds exciting to you I suggest you immediately navigate your web browser to the local torrent site and download something called a movie. Any one really since apparently you are easily satisfied.
Perhaps i romanticize about the past here but I remember a time when most games were about being challenged to explore new game play mechanics. About learning and solving new puzzles about employing your skills against all types of adversary and about feeling proud of your accomplishments.
Now the mostly shiny particle effected vessels guiding any soccer mom caliber gamer through a generally third grade level story where anyone with a brain the size of a steroid shrunken testicle can pretend to be a hero and maintain a fantasy of not sucking balls at video games.
"But...But I need a background story"...do you really need a background story to play Donkey Kong - you twat?? How about poker or football? If the process of playing a game isn't fun for you - maybe you're not a gamer. Not that i am unappreciative for all my free kills in WoW. But lately I've become rather miffed at the notion, that this overwhelming number of noobs has negatively influenced the direction of video game design forever. Instead of humanity persuing the development of the next chess we have an endless supply of 8 hour long interactive B-movie experiences at $60 a pop with unimaginative reskinned sequals announced exactly 3 seconds after the current product is launched.
Congratulations Noobs you've effectively raised an army of consumer gaming zombies who conviently seem to lack no only artistic standards but opposable thumbs. I'd be inclined to look the other way and ignore the thumbless zombie parade but the bummbling whiners have the audacity to hate on us - the gamers that are playing the game for game play. But the truth is the only imbalance is coming from your underdeveloped inner ear you uncoordinated ball of ghey. I'm truly sorry you got your clumsy ass kicked around in gym class like a hacky sack in the 1980's But that's no reason to be a sandy crotch while I'm kicking your ass in Super Smash Brothers. Even more infurinating than the consumer zombie noobs are the noobs whose job it is to play video games then criticize them for mass public consumption.
The champions of mob mentality shouldn't bother me since i've grown rather accustomed to unqualified nitwits performing undeserved jobs.
Within gaming media circles being a noob seems to have become some sort of fucking prerequisite. I know going through life with a lack of a pinch grip may be frustrating but calling a 3 hour single player experience the hight of game design and comparing the dialoge of GTA4 to that of the godfather is nothing less than absolutely retarded.
Here is the unpleasent truth. Your teachers lied to you when they said any one, even you, could be an astronaut. Some people are just naturally better at doing things. There IS something called talent. No matter how hard i try I'll never paint a Mona Lisa or invent the quantum computer. No matter how hard you try you'll never beat Contra without cheating. Many people have a genuine desire to be better this doesn't make them alien or crude it just makes them a gamer. It's no reason to resent them at least no more than you resent John Holmes for his enormous cock.
So the next time you think "I can beat all the pro gamers if I just played as much as them" -Think again. All the basket ball training in the world won't let your pudgy 5''4' dimpled bottom make the NBA. Just like all the Starcraft training in the world couldn't prevent Park Sung-Joon from sticking his golden mouse up your ass.